


Substitute for Love

by SynthCorpse



Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: Alternate Universe, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, Family Loss, Fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-13
Updated: 2016-11-28
Packaged: 2018-08-30 15:29:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8538403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SynthCorpse/pseuds/SynthCorpse
Summary: Hawke feels empty after the Death of her Mother Leandra, she thinks she has no one left but the Arishok is at her side.The Arishok leaves Kirkwall and after 2 Years they see each other again.Title is inspired by the Song Drowned World/Substitute for Love by Madonna.Sets a few Days after the Evening where Hawke was drunk. So it is inspired by the Beautiful and Glorius written Story "Ah, the Arishok" by itsonlyadream8. (Such a beautiful Written Story. ♥ Go check it out) So in this Story the Evening happened but the "Epilogue/Afterstory" is mine. Also my Character is a bit different of course. :)





	1. The Key

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Ah, the Arishok](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1035133) by [itsonlyadream8](https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsonlyadream8/pseuds/itsonlyadream8). 



> So this is my first Story written in English. English is not my first Language so I apologize for all spelling errors.  
> Warning: The Story loosely follows the In Game Story.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this Story.

 

 

 _I embrace the pain dearly as a friend_  
_I defy the shame just to feel again_  
_And I wonder how I felt alive_  
_When I've lost the key_  
_That will set me free_  
_\- Forever Still_

 

* * *

 

 

Everything felt so unreal, she just sat there and watched the Water, how it reflected the Moon. She was grieving for her Mother. She felt empty. Kirkwall took so much of her, she knew she couldn't take it anymore. After Carver died only her Mother and her Sister were at her side, she didn't count her Uncle Gamlen. Then her Sister had to go to the Circle of Magi, it was sad but she hoped for the best for her Sister. Only her Mother was left and now she died a cruel death because she just looked like someone. Taken by an insane Man.  
Hawke remembered Leandras last Words ".. Now I'm free. I'll be with Carver and Bethany and your Father, but you'll be all alone.. my little Girl has become so strong. I love you, you always made me so Proud.."  
Her Mother was right, all that remained was Hawke alone. Of course she had her Friends but she couldn't take comfort in their words. She had to mourn alone. She took another gulp of her Wine Bottle she carried with herself. She didn't even equipped her Daggers , and took instead the Amell Family Shield she found in a Chest in the Killer's Lair.

 

* * *

 

The Arishok was lost in his thoughts, he couldn't sleep so he went trough Letters that were on his desk. He thought about the Encounter with a Drunken Hawke a few Days Ago. It was unusual to see her so Intoxicated but even if he was angry at first with her that she tumbled ungarded trough this cesspool he was strangely happy to see her. He called her _Kadan_ , because there was no way around it, it was just how he felt. She went the morning after without a word, problaby ashamed of herself.  
He remembered when she first came into the Compound. She was huge for a Human and had white Hair which was even more unique. Never did he saw such a _Bas_ in his Life. She had a red stripe across her Nose and pale White Yellowish Eyes. The Conversation was very short and at that Evening he found out what her Name was; Marian Hawke, a rather beautiful Name for a _Basra_ , and that her favourite Color was Red. Lost in his thoughts, the Arishok didn't notice how the _Karasten_ entered the Tent.  
"Arishok, I have to show you something."  
Irritated the Arishok grunted in reply "What is it?"  
"It's Hawke" , the Karasten knew that the Arishok cared for her so he went on "she is sitting on the brink of the Docks.. but you should see for yourself."  
He guided the Arishok to the Place in the Compound where you could see the Docks cleary. Sitting there was a Hawke drinking and staring at the Water. She then stood up and throwed a Shield in the Water, took a Bottle, emptied it and smashed it against a Wall.  
"When she comes across the Gates, tell her I wan't to talk to her." , he went back to his Tent, confused about her Behaviour. He hoped it had nothing to do with the Night a few days ago. But he knew it had to be worse than this.

 

* * *

 

Hawke was about to go home when she came across the Gates of the Qunari's Compound when a Guard called out to her, "Serah Hawke, the Arishok wishes to speak to you."  
"Not now!" was her angry response. She didn't even made an attempt to halt, she just walked on.  
"So you refuse to talk to him?" , was his confused question.  
Hawke who was out of reach to hear clearly what he said yelled back "Not now!"  
She couldn't talk to him right now, she just wanted to be alone and sink herself into self-pity. Besides that she didn't want to look weak in front of him.

So she walked on until she reached the Hawke's Estate, got inside and sat in front of the Fireplace in a comfy chair. Her Mabari came to her and snuffled her Hands and she stroked the Dogs Head. Bodahn entered the Room to see for her. He couldn't sleep because he felt bad for her. He knew Leandra too and liked her so he missed her as well.  
"Can I do something for you Messere?" , he asked careful.  
"No thanks, Bodahn", was her silent answer. She was yet again lost in her thoughts about happier times. It was strange; that you knew how much you loved someone when they were gone. It hurt. She had a good Relationship with her Mother but she wasn't always there, to busy with all the Problems and Tasks in Kirkwall.

When a troubled Gamlen came to her and asked where her Mother was and he told about the Lily's that Leandra received she felt how her whole stomach started to tighten to the Point where she couldn't breathe anymore. She had to be quick, she had to find her mother. But she was to late. Hawke hated herself for not watching more out for her Mother, it was her fault. She watched distantly the Flames dancing.

 

* * *

 

"Are you sure you wan't to visit her, Arishok? She seemed very angry, and it's Night, I'm not sure if thats a good Idea" , asked a very worried Karasten.  
"I will go and speak with her, something is out of Order, thats not the Hawke I know. If you wish for my Safety on the Way simply come with me, but I will talk to her alone." , was his only reply.

I didn't take long to arrive at her Estate. He was glad that his men told him where she lived otherwise he would surely had gotten lost in this Cesspool, considering that he rarely left the Compound.  
"Wait here." Karasten nodded and the Arishok knocked at the Door.  
The Door opened but he didn't see someone.  
"Can I help you Messere?", asked someone and the Arishok looked down to discover a Dwarf.  
"I wish to speak with Hawke." , was his grunted reply.  
"I will inform her, but I can't promise that she want's to see anyone, but that's understandable in her current Situation.", said the Dwarf and walked in to another Room.  
Now the Arishok was more worried than before. What happened that the ever snarky Hawke got so out of her Mind. For Qunari Weapons were important, and he knew at the moment when she threw the Shield away that something bad must have happened. She was a Warrior after all and strong, he knew that, so he got very concerned at the sight before him.

 

* * *

 

"I am sorry to interrupt again, Hawke, but there is a very big Man who want's to speak with you". Hawke knew immediately of which Person Bodahn spoke.  
"Tell him that I will talk to him in the next days, I wan't to be alone right now."  
"As you wish, Messere." , Bodahn turned and got out of the room. He knew better than to push Hawke. Then he went to tell the big horned Man what Hawke said.  
"I am sorry but Hawke doesn't want to talk, as I guessed. I should inform you that she will talk to you in the next days." , Bodahn had to look up so much that his neck began to hurt.  
The Arishok felt a beginning of a Massive Headache, he was so much irritated about what had gotten into his Kadan.  
"What happened to Hawke, why is she behaving this way?"  
The Dwarf looked startled, "Don't you know? Her Mother got murdered. I feel so bad for her.."

At these Words the Arishok went straight past the Dwarf and got into the Direction where the little Man came out a few Moments ago.  
"Messere I am sorry to interrupt but she said she want's to be alone", said a panicking Bodahn but was soon interupted by the Arishok's deep Voice.  
"I don't care." The Arishok got into the room slammed the door shut right before Bodahn's Nose.  
Hawke who still look into the Flames didn't even moved by the loud noise.  
"I told you not to come here, why won't you hear, Arishok?"  
He got around the Chair and blocked her sight to the Fireplace so she was forced to look at him.  
His Heart stopped nearly at the sight of her Face. She didn't looked tear-stained instead she just looked dull. She just looked empty.  
He got to his Knees so that he was on one Eye-Level with her and his left hand reached for her cheek. She felt cold, even if she sat nearby the Fireplace.  
She didn't lean into the Touch, she simply didn't move and no words left her Mouth.  
The Arishok knew he couldn't confort her in a way a Human could, in the Qun there weren't Mothers as such, he didn't even know his Mother. So he struggled to find the right words.  
"Even if you wan't to shut me out Marian, I feel sorry for your loss, I hope you find at least a little peace knowing that I am here."  
A little Spark beamed in her Eyes at his words.  
For a few Moments there was Silence but then she replied "Thank you Arishok."  
Her Voice sounded strained.  
His Hand moved to her Shoulder and squeezed it.  
"I hope your Mother will find _Kost_ , I am sorry that she found _Kata_ that way."  
He took her Hand an guided her to stand up. She followed and than he took her in his Arms. Slowly she lifted her arms and embraced him too.  
"You alone are _Basalit-an_ in this Shithole called Kirkwall. Never forget that, Kadan."  
He gently stroked her back while saying these Words. When she stood she was just a half Head smaller than him. She didn't knew the Word Kadan. He called her that often but she was a little afraid what it would meant knowing that when she knew it it probably made her sad, because at the End he would leave when the Demand of the Qun was fulfilled.  
After a while she said, "I have something for you Arishok."  
She released the Embrace and got to one of the Bookshelfs and reached for a Book. She smiled at the Cover "The Beauty and the Beast". Funny how a few Days ago she was intoxicated and really happy and cheery.  
"Here," she reached it out to him, "I wan't to give you this. Do you remember the Tale I told you a few Days ago? This is the Story. I shredded the last few Pages, I hope you don't mind, I just don't liked the Original Ending.  
I wan't you to have this because wherever you may be in this World, no matter how far away I am, you can read it and remember me."  
He took it in his hand. Yes he rembered the Story very well.  
Moved by this simple Gesture he reach his free Hand out to touch her Cheek. This time she leaned into his touch.  
"Come take a seat. Do you wan't something to drink?" , at least she wanted to treat her Guest friendly even if she felt like shit. "No thank you."  
While he sat down on the Chair she fetched another and sat beside him. Luckily the Chair was big enough for him to sit comfortable considering that Hawke herself was really big.  
"So tell me Arishok, what is the Demand of the Qun? Why are you still here, in a City you despise." , she looked at him with a honesty in her Eyes, which now looked a bit more full of Life.

  
"I need an old relic. Without it I can't return to Par Vollen."  
"What sort of Relic do you mean? I could help you if you wish."  
At that the Arishok chuckled. "You're really a Unique Bas, Kadan. You've lost so much but you offer me your help. But to answer your Question, it is a Book. The Tome of Koslun. It was stolen and I need it, as I said, to return to my Home."  
Hawke let the Words sink in. Relic.. relic.. Her Mind was so tormented the last Hours with all kind of Moments with her Mother that she really had to concentrate when she last heard the Word "Relic."  
Finally she remembered it. Isabela spoke of a Relic the last Time they saw each other. It could be a Coincidence but it was worth a try.  
"I think a have a Trace, but you have to be patient as I am not sure if it's just a Coincidence. A friend of mine told me that she is searching for a Relic as well. I will talk to her okey..?"  
He did not answer for a while. He seemed to be lost in his thoughts.  
"Yes. Hawke it is late, I will return to the Compound." He stood up and got to the Front Door. She followed then.  
"I wish you a good night, you have to rest Hawke." He turned once, a Nod and then he strode of with the Karasten.  
"Thanks, I wish you a good Night too. And thank you for beeing my friend."  
She closed the door and got to her Bedroom. She was happy for the Distraction, it was better than to cry all night and think of her Mother.  
Now she had a Purpose in front of her Eyes again, rather than thinking of the past, she now thought of the Future.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Qunlat Translation:
> 
> Bas: Literally, "thing;" foreign to the Qun; purposeless. Often used as a neutral term to describe non-Qunari people. Also used after a weapon name to denote it is intended for mages.  
> Basra: Rude term for non-Qunari people.  
> Basalit-an: A non-Qunari worthy of respect.  
> Kadan: Literally, "where the heart lies;" friend. An all-purpose word for a "person one cares about," including colleagues, friends and loved ones. Also means "the center of the chest."  
> Karasten: Infantry commander; corporal.  
> Kata: The end, death.  
> Kost: Peace
> 
> Hope you liked it so far. :)


	2. Chaos Lives In Everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke finds the Tome of Koslun and returns it to the Arishok even if it meant that she would get hurt. She just wished the best for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed the Dialogue between Isabela and Hawke. As I said this Story will loosely follow the In Game Story.  
> I hope you enjoy it nevertheless. :)

_Now I'm awake_  
_Been stuck in a place I really hate_  
_And it's not fate_  
_Everything's just fine_  
  
_So why must it be_  
_Chaos Lives in Everything_  
_Trapped inside a dream_  
_It all comes back to me_  
  
_Get away from you_  
_Is what I gotta do_  
_I want my soul back, I'll stand my ground_  
_So walk away from me_  
_You know this has to be_  
_Another way for me to kiss that frown_

_\- Korn_

* * *

 

 

A few days later Hawke spotted Isabela at her usual Place in the Hanged Man.

"Good Evening Isabela." , Hawke sat beside her.  
"Ah it's Hawke, what a Surprise. Hawke.. there is something I need your help with."  
Hawke knew what Isabela wanted so say. "Let me guess, it is about the Relic?"  
"Well yes, how did you know. So Sam's been talking to black market dealers all over Lowtown. It didn't take me long to get wind of it. What frustrates me is that he's held on to the relic so long."  
Straight to the Point then.  
"Who was Sam again?" , Hawke investigated.  
"Sam used to run with Martin. Remember him? Martin says Sam's a bit of a magpie, picking up things that don't belong to him. Not a trustworthy sort. When Martin gave up raiding, Sam became a drifter."  
Hawke thought for a moment. "You're sure this is the relic you're after?"  
Isabela downed another gulp from the Bottle of Rum, then answered, "I've had my ear to the ground for a while. There was a description of the Book. It's the right one."  
Hawke's eyes widened. So it was a Book. Maybe she was on the right Track.  
"Book? I thought you didn't know what the relic was!?"  
"Well, I.. I know it's a book. But that's all I know. It's written in a foreign tongue." , stammered Isabela. Hawke knew she would help to find the Book just to give it back to the rightful owner. She wanted to give the Arishok the Chance to leave the City he so despised. Even if it meant it would hurt her in the End, she didn't want him to be stuck in this Place. Yes she would find the Book whatever the Price was.  
"Honestly, what does it matter? It'll save me from Castillon, so I need it." , continued Isabela.  
Oh it did matter a lot for Hawke but she would keep it friendly. The Relationship between Hawke and Isabela was not nearly a "Friendship". They knew each other, helped here and there but that was all. So in the End it wouldn't be that much of a Problem to forcefully take the Book from Isabela.  
"Okay I will help you to get it." , Hawke faked a smile.

 

* * *

 

 

1 Hour later they went to Lowtown. The Streets were pretty clear so they got to the Location really fast. When they got around the Corner to the Location there were standing five Qunaris.  
"Hold! You will surrender the relic!" , the Sten said.  
So the Arishok knew? Hawke had said he had to be patient, but then again it was the Arishok.  
"I don't have your stupid relic!" , answered a very pissed Isabela.  
"The bas has no honor. Kill it." With that the Qunari's attacked the group. Hawke knew she couldn't do much about it so she fighted and played along. She had no other choice in that Moment.  
"What are the Qunari doing here, Isabela?"  
Hawke was angry, and she had to knew if it was about the Tome of Koslun. By now it was pretty clear that this was the Case but she had to hear it out of Isabela's Mouth.  
"Er.. yes. About that. The relic belongs to the Qunari, and there's a small chance they want it back."  
Hawke could feel her anger rising but tried to keep it friendly.  
"Tell me what you know. You can trust me." That wasn't true but she had to play the Game to get the Book, and she played it well.  
"I've always known what the relic is. I just didn't want to worry you."  
Hawke was about to say something real bad when Varric interrupted her , "You're the picture of kindness, Rivaini."  
"The relic is a Qunari text handwritten by that philosopher of theirs - Keslan, Cousland.. whatever his name is. I stole it from them, they followed me here to reclaim it, and it's why they're still in Kirkwall."  
That bitch. On the surface Hawke remained calm but inside her was a Tornado raging.  
"They can't leave the Free Marches without it."  
Well Hawke knew that by now.  
"How did you steal the relic from the Qunari?" , Hawke still infuriated was surprised that she managed to sound so calm.  
"The Arishok never had it; the Orlesians did. They had plans to return it to the Qunari. I simply had to waylay the Orlesian convoy before it met up with the Arishok and his men. Getting the relic was easy. Getting away from the Qunari was the hard part."  
And thanks to that Liar the Arishok and his men had to stay here.  
"So it is your fault that they had to stay here. How about return the Book to the rightful owner, huh?"  
"What should I do? The damned thing was 3 years missing."  
"Maybe you shouldn't have stolen it in the first Place."  
"Look, the book's right in this building, and I'm not letting it slip away again. It's the only thing that'll get Castillon off my back. Please tell me you'll give the relic to me."  
Hawke couln't care less in that moment.  
"The relic belongs to the Qunari, you will give it back to them."  
"Don't you understand? The relic is the only thing that prevent Castillon from feeding me to Sharks. I can't believe that you..ugh.. well you're right. I will return the relic to them. Once we have it, I'll go straight to the Qunari to give it back."  
Marian knew it was a lie. She didn't trust Isabela.  
Inside the Building there already were people asking a Guy where the relic was.  
"The Tome of Koslun will not fall into Tevinter Hands." , said one Qunari from one corner in the Room.  
_"Ataash Qunari!"_ The Mages and the Qunari got into a fight and the Guy whom had the Book ran to the Main Door.  
"He's getting away!", Isabela yelled and went after him.  
"Isabela! Guy's keep fighting, I'll go after her."  
With that Hawke ran after her.  
Outside arrived the Guy who had the Book was laying on the ground, dead. Isabela was rummaging in his bag.  
Silent Hawke unsheathed a Dagger and held it against Isabelas Throat.  
"One move and I will kill you right now."  
"You bitch, Hawke. How can you stab me in the back?"  
"Give me the Book!"  
Isabela stood up, turned and suddenly throwed the Book to the right and unsheathed her sword.  
"Let's fight you Snake, you think I would give up so easily?!"

After the fight was over Isabela was laying on the ground, bruised and bleeding. Hawke did some minor damage.  
"You will come with me or else I'll cut your throat."  
Hawke put the Book in the Bag took it and poked Isabela with her Dagger.  
On the way to the Compound neither of them spoke, Isabela were just whimpering because of her bruises. After them a trail of Blood could be found.  
"Serah Hawke. What.." a Qunari asked but was soon interrupted by Hawke.  
"Let me in, I want to speak with the Arishok."

 

 

* * *

 

 

The Arishok was in his tent, thinking.  
"Arishok, Hawke is here. She has a Woman with her."  
He stood up, got out the Tent and went to his Bench.  
Downstairs stood Hawke with a Woman before her knees, bleeding.  
"Hawke what is this?"  
Hawke motioned for a nearby standing Qunari to take care of Isabela.  
"Don't let her out of sight." Slowly she climbed the stairs.  
She slightly smiled at him but there was a hint of sadness to it. She took the Book and handed it to him. "The Tome of Koslun. My Guess was right. She had stolen it a few years ago."  
"The Tome of Koslun." His deep Voice vibrated.  
He stood up and looked at his men.  
"This Basalit-an received the Relic for us. Now we are free to return to Par Vollen... with the Thief."  
Hawke didn't hesitate when she said, "Take her."  
Hawke turned around and slowly got down some steps.  
"Hawke wait. I wish for you to come tommorow evening to the Compound."  
She turned her Head slightly and nodded.  
When Hawke was almost at the Gates she could hear Isabela screaming , "Hawke you fake Snake it's not over."

 

* * *

 

  
Arrived at the Estate she took a long Bath and after that she sat in the Chair in front of the Fireplace and sipped at a Wine she wanted to drink for ages.  
She was happy that it was over for him, but it had a bitter taste to it. She was simply sad and anxious. She knew her feelings couldn't get in the Way and she knew also that he was in a Position where it was not that easy. Even if they didn't were in a relationship as such, there was a ribbon and feelings. She just had to overcome those feelings.  
In one of their meetings he had asked her if she ever thought about joining the Qun. She couldn't. Hawke had so much facets that even if she wanted to, she also knew that in the long run she would not be happy under the Qun. He accepted that and her Decision.

 

* * *

 

  
The next day the Qunari packed up their Belongings. The Ship would arrive the following day. The Arishok's tent was nearly empty, save for a Table and two Chairs.  
He made dinner. After all it was Hawke's Credit that he could return and turn his back to this City. He would miss her, even if he didn't want to admit it. She was worthy. In every way. She had proven herself in so many ways. He couldn't deny his feelings for her anymore. After all he was a Beeing with feelings, too.  
The Karasten entered the Tent, "Your Guest has arrived."  
"All right."  
A minute later Hawke stood there at the Tent Entrance. She looked beautiful. She had her Hair open and wore not her usual armor but a formal Outfit. She wore a white Tunic and black Trousers and Black Leather Boots. Such a simple attire but still so effective.  
"You look magnificent today." The Arishok smiled at her. "But where are your Daggers?"  
At that she chuckled. "I handed them one of your men earlier."  
"Please take a Seat."  
They both sat down a the Table, facing each other.  
"I wan't to thank you, Marian." He said softly.  
"You don't need to." She lightly smiled.  
The dinner went over really fast and it was getting late.  
"So tomorrow you'll leave?" , there was sadness in her Voice.  
"Yes, Kadan. It is the Demand of the Qun." She nodded. She understood this.  
"It is getting late, I think I will go now." She stood up. He did the same thing, rounded  
the Table to stand in front of her.  
She lifted her right hand to stroke his upper arm. "I will miss you, Arishok. I hope you do not forget me so easily."  
"How could I?", was his answer.  
He leaned forward and kissed her on the Lips. Slowly she returned the Kiss.  
The Kiss felt as it lasted long but not to long enough. It was a gentle and soft kiss. It felt as if all unexpressed feelings towards each other poured into that kiss.  
She released it, got out of his embrace and went to the Entrace of his tent. She couldn't stay any longer, she felt like she would cry any moment.  
"Farewell my Friend. I wish nothing but the best for you.", were her Words before she got down the stairs. When she was at the Foot of the Staircase she turned once and mouthed the Word "Kadan" while putting her Hand on her Heart. By now she knew what the Word meant, and as promised it hurt her in the End.  
He looked down at her, his Face emotionless and watched her leave the Compound.  
He stood there afterwards for a while and just stared at the Place where she stood not long ago.  
This Woman had left a Mark on his heart. He wouldn't forget her so easily. After all he loved her.

 

* * *

 

 

The next Day when the Ship set sail she was not there. She was laying in her Bed staring at the Ceiling. It would take a time to rudimentarily heal this wound. But she still had Tasks to do.

The Arishok looked at the wide open Sea and the Outlines of Kirkwall hoping that one day she had the Chance to escape this City. She was better than that.  
_"Meraad astaarit, meraad itwasit, aban aqun."_ He said.

Both longed for eatch other but in the End it was not possible because of the Circumstances.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked this Chapter. I tried to really emphasize the Feelings.  
> But don't worry they will see each other again. :) I still have a lot of Ideas, even if I think this Fanfiction will not be overly long. But I want to say that it is probably not canon, just so you know.
> 
> Qunlat Translations:  
> Meraad astaarit, meraad itwasit, aban aqun.: The tide rises, the tide falls, the sea is unchanged.  
> Ataash Qunari!: Glory to the Qunari!


	3. Look On Down From The Bridge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From now on it will be AU. :)

_Look on down from the bridge_  
_There's still fountains down there_  
_Look on down from the bridge_  
_It's still raining, up here_  
  
_Everybody seems so far away from me_  
_Everybody just wants to be free_  
_Look away from the sky_  
_It's no different when you're leaving home_  
_I can't be the same thing to you now_  
_I'm just gone, just gone_  
_How could I say goodbye_  
_How could I say goodbye_  
_Goodbye_  
  
_Maybe I'll just place my hands over you_  
_And close my eyes real tight_  
_There's a light in your eyes_  
_And you know - yeah, you know_  
_Look on down from the bridge_  
_I'm still waiting for you_

_\- Mazzy Star_

 

 

* * *

 

 

2 Years.. 2 Years had passed. Hawke went back to Lothering. After the Blight was over People worked hard to rebuild their Houses.   
Kirkwall was now mostly destroyed, the Templers and the Mages at war, but nothing mattered to Hawke.   
She didn't side with either of them. While she could understand both sides, it wasn't her conflict. There would be always war in this World and she knew it.  
The first year she tried to do everything to prevent such an Event but in the End it still happened.   
After the Arishok was gone the People called her Champion of Kirkwall. Such an imposing Title. While she remained the ever snarky Hawke on the Outside, her inside depraved more and more.  
She didn't go to the Hanged Man anymore, visited her Friends less and stayed more at the Estate drinking alone.  
One time Fenris came to look after her but he didn't even got the Chance to talk to her because Bodahn rejected him at the Entrance.  
Bodahn tried talking to Hawke often, he told her that she should get help, that she had to try quit drinking but Hawke just ignored all advices.  When she was not sober she was unbearable.

Orsino and Meredith bugged her. The Knight-Commander wanted Power and the First Enchanter wanted more Improvement for the Mages. Hawke between the Fronts did a lot to defuse the Situation but to no avail. When Anders blew up the Church everything got out of control. At that Day she killed her Companion. It was unpleasant and she wouldn't forget it so easily. Her Sister Bethany didn't survive that Day either.  
She killed Orsino and Meredith. It felt like a Dream, everything felt so unreal and chaotic. She was glad her Friends helped her fight the Knight-Commander which was controlled by the Lyrium Idol. After that fight Hawke stayed a few Days in Kirkwall. Her Life was shattered. Some nights she stayed awake because when she fell asleep she had cruel Nightmares. Nightmares of her Family and Anders laying blood-smeared at her feet. She awoke drenched in sweat. At those times she got up and took her Mabari for a Walk. She strolled around the Docks, stopping at the Entrace to the former Qunari's Compound which was now empty. She remembered his Face clearly glistening in the pale Moonlight the last Time she saw him. She often thought of him, sometimes she cried when she was alone. She missed his advice and his calmness. Her World was so chaotic and out of control, she wanted to be calm but couldn't. She hated it.

When she went to Lothering she left a Letter for Bodahn and his Kid and enough Coin and the Estate for them to live on without her. Varric was the only one she said goodbye to. With only her Name, her Hound and little stuff she went on. It was a new beginning for her. During the second year she spend time building a House and tried to go on the wagon. She trained a lot more and sometimes she took Jobs as a Mercenary. She gained muscles and overall got healthier again. She even started Drawing again, a Hobby of hers since she was little. She painted everything which came to her mind, she drew many People from her past just to remember them. Sometimes she cried while doing this but it was her way to deal with the Past and it helped her improve her Life for the better again. She made friends in Lothering and with some of them she sometimes trained in her courtyard. She still had a lot of processing to do but it slowly got better. One Night she even got a new Tattoo on her back to celebrate her new Beginning. After that many more Tattoos followed. The Arishok never left Hawke's Mind. She liked to think it would make him proud how she tried to master her life. She hoped he was well and happy. After he left she never had a Interest in a Man, her feelings for the Arishok unaltered. Her Nightmares got less but sometimes they came back to her and when they did, it was hard for her to breathe. She then took a bath and cleared her mind and tried to relax, but sometimes the thoughts and pictures still lingered.

 

* * *

 

 

He still didn't understand Humans. They were complicated and acted without due consideration. The former Arishok sat in a Corner of a full Tavern. He now was a Tal-Vashoth. He hated it, but there was nothing he could do about it.  
Three Days after he and his men set sail the Thief escaped with the Tome of Koslun again. She just jumped into the Sea. After that the Triumvirate decided that he was not worthy anymore and jailed him before deciding what do to. In the End they send him into exile. They took all his belongings and his Weapons. He only had simple Armor and nothing more. He was currently in Redcliffe. He didn't know anymore how he got there. He just walked on. He had no Purpose anymore but he wasn't a Person who would give up so easily, so he travelled on and on. He looked nothing like his old-self. He feld slightly naked without all his Armor, his Weapons and the Jewelry. He got thinner due to the Fact that he didn't eat regurarly. Some People in Taverns spoke to him because they required help with something and thought him a good Person because he was so big and even now just intimidating. Because of those Jobs he had Coin and could eat something. He didn't like the Food the Bas ate but he still ate it. He had asked for Hawke a few times but the People either didn't knew her or where she had gone to so he couldn't find her. He thought of her and hoped she was well and he hoped that she left that Cesspool. It couldn't be that she was still in Kirkwall, could it? The last time he saw her she was so unfortunate. He often thought of his Kadan. Sometimes thoughts crossed his minds how it would be if everything went different. When she would have joined the Qun and the Thief had never escaped. He wondered how she now looked like. 

He had enough of the drunk Humans so he slowly went to his room to sleep. In the morning he would went on. Over the last year his Journey was a Journey without Destination. He would walk for Hours. 5 Days later he entered a Town called Lothering. He felt sick and feverish and his sight got black and he stumbled a bit. A nearby standing Human noticed him and called for others to help him stand.   
"We will bring you to the Infirmary.", called a older Woman. He was surprised how kind she was. They walked a bit and then he saw her. At first he thought it was a hallucination due to his condition but at the second look he knew it was her. She had longer Hair and wore a Dark Attire. She stood in front of the Infirmary and talked to a Man. 

 

* * *

 

"Here is your Payment, Messere."   
"I am glad that I could help. When there is something else I can do, you know where to find me." Hawke smiled at the male Nurse. Hawke had helped to find a few herbs. She had seen the Assignment at the signboard. The Nurses had a lot do to and required help with some simple tasks and Hawke had enough time, so she helped. When Hawke turned around everything stand still. A few feet away there was the Arishok, two men tried to support him. With them was a old woman. He looked ill. Would it be a different situation she might have laughed, the sight of two humans trying to support a big Qunari looked very akward. He looked so different with all his Jewelry gone and just a simple armor. Their Glances locked and his eyes softened a bit. Hawke was speechless. She tried to apprehend what was going on. As the Group came closer she swallowed and cleared her voice.  
"Arishok? What is going on? Why are you...?" Her voice trembled and she tried to calm herself. She often thought how it would be when they would see eachother again. But this was nothing like her imaginations.  
He coughed.   
"Basalit-an I..."   
"You know this man?", the old woman interrupted.   
"Yes, yes I do." Hawke looked at his face. The Group entered the Infirmary. Hawke went after them. The former Arishok turned his head once and looked at her. All he could think of was how beautiful she looked even with concern written all over her face.

  


 

  
  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it. :)


	4. When The Storm Subsides

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another Chapter. :)

_Just say you'll be there for me_  
_Please say that you'll be there_  
_Just say that you'll be my side_  
_When the storm subsides_  
  
_All these years beneath the skin_  
_Everything inside me turning to the shame_  
_I was lost, but now I can see_  
_This fate is turning deep inside of me_  
_All I know is this all fades, the second that I'm by your side_  
_Can this be real, can this be fate_

_\- In this Moment_

* * *

 

 

"Messere Hawke?" A Nurse entered the Room and spotted the dozing Hawke. Marian was leaning against the Bed in which the big Kossith layed. "Messere?", the Nurse repeated.  
"Huh?" Hawke woke up.   
"Would you like something to drink? You don't look very well." She nodded. After staying 3 Days at the Infirmary Marian slowly looked like an undead. Her back and butt hurt from sitting uncomfortable. The Room was small and there was no Chair to sit on so she sat down on the Floor. The Arishok got unconscious shortly after he arrived. The two men dragged him into the small Bed. He had fever but now he was sleeping soundly. Marian was most of the Time by his side. She was so concerned about his health but at the same time she was confused about what was going on. It surely wasn't normal that he wore nothing but a plain armor. Even his Vitaar was gone. He sweated and Hawke had cleaned his upper Body with a damp cloth a Nurse brought her. She noticed that there were a few new scars. He was slightly thinner than the last time but still very intimidating. He didn't woke up once since the last Days and Hawke was getting nervous. 

 

* * *

 

 

A few Hours passed and Hawke was dozing off again as something touched her. She flinched a bit and got up.  
"You're awake." She sat on the edge of the bed. There wasn't much space considering how big he was and how small the bed was.  
"I didn't want to frighten you." It was a good feeling to see her as his eyes opened. He had watched her a few moments before he decided to wake her up.   
"It's fine. How are you feeling?" She put her hand in his and squeezed it slightly. It felt a little bit cold to the touch and she wondered if he could feel the warmth of her hand.   
"I felt worse." She had to smile at this answer.   
"So.. do you want to tell me what happened that you got here in this condition?"  
"It is a long story. But if you wish I'll tell you."  
Right.. what had happened that things got awry.   
"The Thief... escaped. The Human jumped into the Sea..  with the Tome of Koslun."  
"So it wasn't just a rumor.. I've heard something like that but never believed it."   
A short pause and then he continued, "After that they brought me to Jail and waited a year to decide what to do with me."  
"They blame you because it got lost under your supervision?" He nodded. "I guess the Triumvirate decided to send you into exile then."  
Marian was a person who was willing to learn. That was something he admired about her. It was pleasant.   
"I am not worthy anymore. I am not the Arishok anymore."  
A sad expression crossed her face. "I understand."  
She wasn't dumb. She knew it was a Title rather than a Name. But it didn't made it better for her. All these years she called him Arishok.   
"If you don't mind is it okay for me to call you Ari then? I am not the best in naming, that's a reason why my Dog has no Name... I mean.. all those years Arishok was the Name I called you. I don't want to lose it all.. I know it's sounds selfish but we Humans don't change our names that often and you need one.. and I think Ari has a nice ring to it."  
" _Meravas_.", was his only answer.  
"So shall it be?" Hawke tried to learn a bit of Qunlat a time ago. He wasn't surprised that she tried to learn his Language. He rembembered that she asked many questions about the Language. It was just another thing he liked about this human.   
"How long was I asleep?" His head hurt a bit but he felt better than before and with her at his side he felt even better.  
"3 Days. I thought you would never wake up." She mused and then stood up.   
"So..", she was thinking,  "when you are feeling better you could come and stay at my House for a while. For now I should get you something to drink." With that Marian rushed out of the room to search for a Nurse.  
He felt strange. It was so different than it used to be. He wondered if her house was as big as it was in Kirkwall. Also the Fact that she was here and not elsewhere gave him a little bit assurance. He didn't want to look weak in front of her, but apparently she had no problem with it. The Idea to stay at her Place for a while was actually a nice thought, surely better than all the Taverns full of drunk Humans. He liked beeing around her, that never changed.   
Hawke entered the room with a mug of water. She smiled and reached it out to him. He slowly got up, now noticing that his upper body was bare. As he took the mug their hands touched a bit, she flinched but then sat down beside him again. He emptied the mug and placed it on the little table beside the bed.   
"Is there enough space in your House?" Ari was contemplating. Hawke had to laugh at this. "Of course there is. I'll take it as a yes then?" She let out a yawn.   
"You look tired. You should sleep." She looked at him, she had dark circles under her eyes and it made her look even more undead. Her brows furrowed. "I would love to, but I can't leave you alone here."   
"You can and you will, Marian." He grinned at her. "But I am feeling better, so we could go to your Home."  
"All right then." Hawke jumped up and stretched. "I will wait outside while you are dressing." She nodded and left the room.  
As he stood up he got a bit dizzy and his muscles felt tense, he dressed and went outside. Hawke stood leaning against a Tree, smiling at him. "Let's go." 

 

 

* * *

 

  
As they headed to Marian's house they walked in silence. Most of the villagers looked at the pair. Hawke noticing it said, "Don't mind them, Ari, it isn't often that a Kossith is here in this town. Some of them haven't seen one before."  
He looked at her and nodded. After a while they reached the House. It looked as expected huge. A big House for a big Woman. He had to smile at that thought. Suddenly a bark filled the air and a excited Mabari came running towards them.  
Hawke got to her knees to greet the Dog. He licked her face and turned around in circles happy to see his owner again. "Good boy, yes I missed you to." She patted the Dogs head and then stood up and the Dog sniffed at Ari, inspecting him but shortly after his tail wagged and he let out a happy bark. "I guess he likes you. Come we should get in." Hawke entered the antechamber of the House. Ari and the Dog followed her. It looked nice and friendly, many paintings were on the walls and plants were in the Corners spreading a nice scent. The next room was a living room with a big red conversation pit. The pillows were big and plushy. The furnishing reminded him at his tent in the Compound. It was nice to see they shared the same taste.  
Hawke interrupted his thoughts. "I should make you a bath." With that she dissapeared into another room. Ari was left alone with the Mabari which looked at him with a crooked head, one ear down. She was getting hectic, she wanted that he felt comfortable. As Marian made the Bath, Ari looked around the living room, there were many bookshelfs and more paintings. They looked nice. As he inspected them further he discovered the lettering M.H. Did Marian paint all those? He didn't knew she liked to draw. As he looked further around there was a portrait of himself. It looked very accurate and nice. He felt honored and it made him feel butterflies go through his stomach. It was so unusual for him to feel those feelings. But they didn't feel bad so he let wash them over him. "Do you like it?" Hawke was suddenly beside him staring at him.   
"Hmm." He nodded inspecting it further.  
"I painted it a few years ago..." Dark thoughts crossed her minds, pictures of the paintings which didn't hang on the wall and the events linked to them. Trying to concentrate on other things she said, "Your bath is ready. I would like to rest a bit if that's okay for you. Right beside the washroom is the Guestroom in which you can stay." She forced a crooked smile.   
"Thank you, Marian." With that he entered the washroom. The bathtub was big and the water was steaming. It smelled very sweet in there. He disrobed himself and got into the tub. The warm water felt so nice, his muscles relaxed at the feeling.  
He looked up at the ceiling. It felt nice to be near her. He never expected to see her again, it felt like a wonder. Would his Journey continue with her? Would she be at his side, would this Place become his Home? He wanted to feel at home again. He travelled on and on for a long time, he wanted to have somebody at his side. He missed beeing the Arishok. But he wasn't the Arishok anymore. His name was Ari. He did like the Name, even if it hadn't much meaning to it now it would get meaning over the time.  
He hoped they would have a future together. Now they had the chance.  


 

* * *

 

 

As Hawke got into her bed she was trembling. Sometimes when old memories popped up it was hard for her to concentrate on other stuff. Her Mabari snuggled her and tried to warm her. Marian wanted to make everything comfortable enough for Ari but she was anxious that something would fail. She didn't knew exactly how Kossith lived outside the Qun, but she tried her best. Slowly she fall asleep. She dreamed of their first meeting, remembered his composure and his voice. How he sat there and looked at the group with distrust. She remembered when he first called her Kadan, rembered his lips on hers. The rest of the Day Hawke slept soundly.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked the new chapter. I have a lot in mind for Marianari. (wanted to call them that way. xD)  
> I want to try to improve my writing style everytime but it is not easy. :x 
> 
> Qunlat Translation:
> 
> Meravas: "So shall it be."


End file.
